a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves (typewriter98) wrote,
a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves

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Pairing: Woohyun-centric, slight!Woogyu
Genre: mild angst, canon
Rating: PG
Word count: 1300
Summary: Woohyun doesn't quite know, but perhaps not knowing is a good thing.

am·bi·gu·i·ty (noun)

1. the quality of being open to more than one interpretation; inexactness
2. vagueness or uncertainty of meaning
3. Kim Sunggyu

Woohyun is sure of many things.

It's when he was five years old and in kindergarten, singing children's songs like Baby Dinosaur Dooly, that he first dreams of being a singer. And he spends the most of his teenage years chasing that far away, but not impossible, dream. It's the certainty that causes him to audition for company after company, driven by nothing but a little piece of hope and despite loud protests from his parents. It's the unwavering determination throughout his trainee years which pushes him to continue dancing, continue singing, to get up from the floor and ready himself for another day even when he feels like dying. It's that conviction that propels him to who he is now—Nam Woohyun, the main vocalist of Infinite who has thousands of fans chanting and screaming his name on stage.

But when it comes to Kim Sunggyu, Woohyun realises that he doesn't quite know at all.

Woohyun met Sunggyu for the first time in spring. To be honest, they didn't hit it off well during their trainee days. Both are so startlingly similar and yet so completely different, that it's honestly scary. They're both vocalists, superbly talented in singing and carving out emotions in music. They used to be terrible dancers too, but slogging through dance practice day after day paid off and soon enough, Woohyun's one of the best dancers in Woollim and Sunggyu is also able to catch onto dance moves far quicker than before. And both exude natural leadership qualities, such that when Sunggyu's appointed leader, Woohyun's also the unofficial spokesperson of Infinite, in charge of promoting their albums and songs whenever they're on broadcast. But whereas Sunggyu is good at hiding his feelings, it's hard for Woohyun, who's naturally terrible at lying and has everything written on his face like an open book. He laughs everything off when he's unhappy, but the façade he builds never lasts, so usually he ends up confessing everything to Sunggyu who listens in return.

Sunggyu is a good hyung. He's a good hyung to all of them. He's strict but never overbearing, a trustworthy leader but at the same time, a kind friend. He helps them when they trip over their lines, gently berates them when they're just a tiny bit out of sync during dance practice, and encourages them when they lie sprawled on the floor and decide that not getting up is a good idea. Being a good hyung means being caring and compassionate. Giving everything and expecting nothing in return.

So when Sunggyu shows more concern towards him than usual, Woohyun wonders if it's all just part and parcel of being a good hyung.

Woohyun isn't quite sure when feelings of respect and admiration had turned into love. Between Be Mine and Paradise, his thing—his painful, yearning, and probably unrequited thing—for Sunggyu becomes painfully obvious, even to himself. At first he ignores it and tries to push it down—to suppress and smother it before it grows into something else, but it doesn't work. And Woohyun knows falling in love with your bandmate might not be the wisest thing to begin with, but it's hard when Sunggyu smiles his signature eye smile at him and his mind gets spiralled into overdrive—all he can think about is Sunggyu, Sunggyu, Sunggyu.

On stage, Sunggyu wraps his arm around Dongwoo's back and Woohyun has to fight his urge to scream, but then he remembers that it's only fanservice—none of it means anything. Sungjong rests his chin on Sunggyu's shoulder. Woohyun looks away. Sungyeol wraps an arm around him and he tries his best to smile, but he can't help stealing glances at Sunggyu whose eyes are in slits and laughing along with them.

It's a bit hard to feel jealous when Sunggyu's not even his to begin with.

Sometimes, Woohyun manages to delude himself into thinking that Sunggyu's little glances, his bright laughs, and his soft touches are all meant for him—and then he catches Sunggyu doing the same to Myungsoo or Dongwoo or even Howon and he isn't quite sure anymore. He belatedly remembers that, oh yeah, Sunggyu is Infinite's leader—he doesn't belong to him; he belongs to seven people; he slices himself up into pieces and selflessly gives himself equally to everybody. This is when Woohyun inevitably feels guilty for wanting.

It's painful, when he knows that Sunggyu also knows but they both ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. He knows that the rest of Infinite knows by now, hell, even Sungyeol who's the most thick-headed is giving him looks whenever he's with Sunggyu, but he just can't afford to say it. There are times when he comes close to wanting to find out. After all, the temptation is great. Doesn't he wish to be able to call Sunggyu his, and his alone? He steels himself but he loses his conviction, catching himself before he opens his mouth, before he asks the few words that would either give him the chance of a lifetime, or completely ruin his relationship with Sunggyu.

He's not willing to take the risk.

It's after practice a week before their comeback that they all lie sprawled on the floor of the dance studio in Woollim, eight straight hours of practice taking its toll. Woohyun's lying on the floor, eyes shut and panting, sweat pouring down his forehead.

"Hey, Woohyun, do you want some water?"

Woohyun cracks an eye open. It's Sunggyu, hovering over him with a bottle of mineral water in hand, expression in his eyes akin to something like concern.

Woohyun grabs the bottle and sits up. "Thanks, hyung." He uncaps the bottle and takes big gulps, some of the water streams down his chin and into his sweaty shirt. Sunggyu sighs and sits down next to him.

"You okay? You seem tired."

"I'm fine," Woohyun lies, reserving his answers to short, clipped syllables. He fears that if he doesn't, he might end up pouring out everything to Sunggyu and that's not something he really wants to do.

"You sure? You seem a little... out of it, recently." And Woohyun hates Sunggyu for being a good leader at this point in time. It'd hurt less if Sunggyu was uncaring and selfish, but him being so selfless like this just makes Woohyun wants to love him more and it's not fair.

Woohyun brushes him off. "It's nothing."

"Okay then." Sunggyu always knows when to leave, to make himself scarce and avoid pushing Woohyun's buttons. Woohyun hates how Sunggyu always seems to understand him so well, sometimes even better than Woohyun himself. "I'll be here if you need me."

Something like impulse makes him reach out to grab Sunggyu's wrist. Sunggyu turns around, blinking questioningly. Woohyun's hand drops to his side.



Sunggyu's eyes flicker momentarily. Woohyun licks his lips, swallows, fiddles with his shirt. Should he?

"I... never mind."

Sunggyu raises an eyebrow, but doesn't question any further as he makes his way over to Sungyeol and Myungsoo. Woohyun pretends not to see when Sungyeol tells a joke and Sunggyu cracks a smile, stern leader façade breaking into one that's more human, one that Woohyun's only caught glimpses of.

Knowing, sometimes, can be much more painful than remaining blissfully unaware. He's content with what they're like right now, if it means that he can still pretend everything's okay and continue joking around and being touchy-feely with Sunggyu. Maybe, Woohyun thinks, maybe it's just as well that Sunggyu's an enigma and he's never really sure of him, because what he doesn't know will never hurt him and he's grateful for that.

He doesn't find out—

(he never finds out.)

After all, as they say, ignorance is bliss.


just had a bout of woogyu feels and wrote this. why though. why is this angst and woohyun-centric.

dk why but to me, it always seems that woohyun is the more enamoured one?
Tags: !fanfic, c: [ifnt] sunggyu, c: [ifnt] woohyun, f: infinite, l: oneshot, p: [ifnt] woogyu, p: [ifnt] woohyun-centric, r: pg
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